Mothers Weeping for their Children

17 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Catherine Lawton in God's healing love, the healing journey, when tragedy hits

Tags

Child Jesus, Christian spirituality, Christmas, future hope

Update: Dec. 2013 — Another school shooting — this time in my home state of Colorado — and it’s Christmastime again —and another mother’s child is dead. Reminds me of just a year ago when I wrote this as a response to the awful Sandy Hook school shooting…

How can a mother be consoled when her little child is taken from her? Perhaps a mother in Sandy Hook, Connecticut hurried her son or daughter to school that morning a year ago, with a little scolding and a few reminders and a quick kiss on the cheek … only to be informed a few hours later that her child has fallen dead with her first-grade class, victims in a senseless, bloody massacre.

How can any of us wrap our minds around this? Since it is Christmas, we listen for words of comfort. We usually only hear the beautiful music, the softness of the Christmas story: angel wings, starlight, sweet-smelling hay, swaddling cloths, wooly sheep, gently falling snow, Mary cuddling the baby, cattle lowing, shepherds worshiping.

Usually in reading the Christmas story from the Gospels, we skip, gloss over, don’t talk to the kids about the part where Herod massacres all the children age two and under. Babies. Infants. Toddlers. Mothers’ children. Slaughtered. Blood running and pooling. Mothers wailing, unable to be consoled. (See Matthew 2:16-18.)

But the angels announce, “Glory to God in the highest, peace on earth, good will to men,” spoken to a world where evil holds sway and often has its way … this world into which the Christ child was born. According to the prophet, his name is “Emmanuel” which means “God is with us.” The son of God, who is all goodness, light, life, love … broke into this kingdom oppressed by sin and evil. Why? To shine into the darkness. To reveal a better way that is lived by faith with hope. A kingdom of grace and love and children fully alive. A kingdom he will fully restore one day soon.

Then, when horrible deeds jar us into acknowledging the presence and power of evil in our midst, how do we respond? Even as we walk through the darkness, surrounded by those who react in fear, hate, blame, we can:

Allow the light of Jesus, the living Word, to shine his light of truth on our path, showing us where to step next.

Use the resources he has given us through his Holy Spirit, to resist and overcome evil (both inward and outward).

Let God use us to shine his light and dispel the darkness around us. We do this by prayers of faith, praise, speaking the truth of Christ, creating and sharing beauty, making music, showing love and compassion. Then, “The light shines in darkness, and the darkness does not overcome it” (John 1:5).

And when we hear the cries of tragically bereaved mothers who cannot be consoled, we cry with them, stand with them, hope for them.

We do all this because “God is with us.” Emmanuel.

~ Catherine Lawton

Imparting Christmas Traditions

12 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by ardisanelson in childhood memories, Learning to appreciate Mom, leaving a legacy, Parenting

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Tags

Christmastime, Family, Family traditions, Holidays, Mom Factor, Mothering

Photo: Ardis Nelson

For most of us, Christmastime is a season ripe with family traditions and nostalgia. Not for me, though. My parents didn’t impart most of the kinds of Christmas memories other people have. So when my kids were young, I made an effort to create Christmas traditions in our home. We’ve done the annual portraits for Christmas giving, photos with Santa, and we periodically indulge in baking cookies.

One of the traditions I tried to carry on from my husband’s childhood was the creation of handmade ornaments. We inherited a collection of beautiful beaded and sequined handmade ornaments that he and his mother made when he was growing up. When my sons were 18 months and five years old, I took them to a nearby ceramic studio and started the tradition of annual hand-painted ornaments. My oldest son gave up that tradition a few years ago, but hopefully my youngest son will humor me for his 15^th year.

Photo: Ardis Nelson

We also started going to a tree farm to cut down a real tree for Christmas. Alas, that tradition didn’t stick. Then this year when the pre-lit Christmas tree was beyond repairing, I decided to give the real tree another try. With the help of a friend and her teenage son, my 15-year-old son and I trekked to a nearby tree farm and cut down a tree. (Only time will tell if this will be a new continuing tradition or just a treasured memory.)

The next day, my girlfriend returned to help decorate the tree. When I pulled out the angel to top the tree, that is when it hit me—the mom factor. The angel had been a gift from my mother! In that moment I saw my mother’s love for me anew.

That angel has graced my Christmas tree, fake or real, for many years. My mother hoarded things and had many financial problems over the years. She would shower me with gifts—despite my requests not to. Since my mother’s passing last year, this angel is now very precious to me—with its shimmering white linen and lace skirt, silver wings and porcelain face and hands. She sits on top of my tree as a symbol of the angels heralding Jesus birth—and of my mother’s love.

Photo: Ardis Nelson

Seeing that angel reminded me that my mother did instill a Christmas tradition in my life. She would make the holiday special by decorating our home. As a child I had helped my mother decorate the tree and house for the holidays. It was something I always looked forward to.

As my girlfriend and I unwrapped each ornament and hung it on the tree, she humored me as I recounted the story behind each one. When it came time to place the angel on the tree, it reminded me of how mothers shape the feelings, traditions, and memories of Christmas.

We can impart memories of the hustle and bustle of the season, or we can impart some life-giving nuggets that our children will treasure for years to come. Of course, Jesus is the reason for the season. That is first and foremost in what I want my children to remember about Christmas. In addition to that, though, as the pulse of home life, mothers can shape how their children remember Christmas in other ways.

Consider the traditions and memories you are imparting to your children this holiday season. Be deliberate in what you want them to remember. Most of all be sure to decorate your celebration with the love of Christ!

~ Ardis A. Nelson

THREADS of LIFE: Expressions and Experiences

07 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by arcecil in childhood memories, generations coming together, Gratitude, leaving a legacy

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Aunt, Family, Finding our identity, Sewing

Mother and Daughter Sewing

Over the years, I’ve come to appreciate the value of connecting with people. The threads of the lives of others, running back and forth through the threads of our own lives, serve to create a fabric of strength and elasticity.

One such experience was set in place when, as a child, I signed up to be a member of the 4-H club. Then I realized joining meant participating, which meant I needed to select a project from one of the categories. For me, the choices narrowed down to cooking or sewing. I chose sewing since the idea of new clothes appealed to me. Immediately, though, some obstacles became apparent. My mother did not sew and, therefore, our family did not own a sewing machine. Minor details, like not having an instructor or the means, never entered my mind when I checked the little box by the word “sewing” on the 4-H application.

My mother could have reprimanded me by asking, “What were you thinking!?” But, instead, she said, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”

(My mother colored her speech with expressions. “Every dog has his day,” “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and “A rolling stone gathers no moss” are but a few of the many gems that gave me a love for words and became one of the tools that I use in my fondness for writing.)

The cat was skinned with an idea my mother had: I could sew at my aunt’s house on Sunday afternoons. This aunt never married, so her life and home were open to invasion from her pubescent niece. My aunt blossomed in the experience. I’d show up to find she had purchased yards of fabric: three yards of tiny blue and pink daisies on a cream field, four yards of bright green and bold peach flowers on a soft green background, two yards each of blue, yellow and lilac. My aunt’s house became my fabric store. I was seriously okay with her selections. I could tell she was having fun and the idea of sewing was already beginning to settle into my spirit, even as it was declaring: “This is not a fit for you.” But, I was committed to the club and now I was committed to my aunt.

pretty fabric

I sewed, and then ripped out what I had sewn with an intriguing little instrument called a seam ripper. Finally, in order to move the project forward, my aunt said, “Well, maybe it’s good enough.” Under these agonizing circumstances we “whipped out” an apron when I was ten years old, a skirt when I was eleven, and a blouse when I was twelve. The apron, like those potholders made of loops, endured in the family for decades. The skirt and blouse were worn once or twice, and then I conveniently outgrew them.

I remember the last day of our three-year run. It was a Sunday in April and my aunt’s green walls were being painted gray by the late afternoon’s pink sun. My aunt turned off the sewing machine and turned to me. “Let’s go get a cookie to celebrate all you have achieved,” she declared.

What had I achieved? One apron, one skirt, one blouse, but, more important, I had connected with a dear aunt and with the club, as my projects won third, second and honorable mention ribbons.

I am thankful for the connection I have had with my mother through her expressions that live on as part of a colorful tapestry in the fabric of my life.

~ A.R. Cecil

“Mother” was Only a Vague Memory

04 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by Catherine Lawton in Adopted children, childhood memories, emotional needs, God's healing love, leaving a legacy, losing mom too soon, when tragedy hits

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Christian novel, Christmas, Grandparent, Holidays, Modeling the faith

White-As-Snow-Cover-Kindle

For this fictional character, Charlie, a boy on the Colorado Frontier in 1862, “mother” was a vague memory. An orphan, he was raised by his grandparents on a small ranch at the foot of the Colorado Rocky Mountains. As a youth now, just coming of age, his Grandma has died and his Grandpa lies dying in their two-room cabin. Charlie feels all alone with winter approaching and no one to celebrate Christmas with. He misses Grandma and longs for the mother he never knew. He has to do the work of a man to prepare for winter; but he is not quite up to it.

He also longs to prove himself and foolishly takes Grandpa’s huge rifle out to hunt for food. Fortunately his Grandma left him a legacy of faith. And, as Charlie is tested beyond his abilities, and things look dire, divine help shows up in the form of a gigantic and mysterious mountain man.

This is the first book in a series of four Christian novels set in 1800s Colorado Frontier. White As Snow is a heartwarming Christmas story. And it is FREE in the Amazon Kindle Store this week!

~ Catherine Lawton

Nature or Nurture?

29 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by kyleen228 in Adopted children, God as our parent, God's healing love, Parenting

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Adoption, Family, Finding our identity

Our home is a living laboratory. Raising adopted children makes one wonder: just how much of a child’s personality is inherited through his or her genes and how much is learned from the surrounding environment? My husband, a high school teacher, works with the tough kids. He loves them, but on more than one occasion, after meeting a parent, I have heard him say, “Well, now I know where that behavior comes from.”

The proverbial “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is always in the back of my mind as I watch my children grow. As it turns out, my five-year-old adopted daughter is a lot like me—she’s organized, great with words, a natural teacher, and a bit bossy. As I watch these personality traits develop within her, I find myself wondering: “Did she get those traits from her biological mother or father, or is she learning them from me?” Not knowing her biological parents, though, I really can’t know the answer.

I do recognize, however, that God in his goodness saw to all of this when he knit our family together. He chose our daughter and son for us. Psalm 139:16 tells me God’s “eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in [his] book before one of them came to be” (NIV). He knew me before I was born and he knew my children as well. He saw the map of all of our lives spread out in front of Him before we ever existed. He ordained the circumstances that brought us all together.

From this perspective, perhaps it doesn’t matter whether we are like our mom or dad, or aunt or grandfather, because God is in charge of it all. Whether our families are biological, or grafted together through adoption or remarriage, we are all in a process of becoming. Perhaps the truth is that we are a little of both: God-given nature and God-ordained nurture.

~ Kyleen Stevenson-Braxton

Birthday Thankfulness

24 Saturday Nov 2012

Posted by ardisanelson in childhood memories, Gratitude, leaving a legacy, the healing journey

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Emotional and spiritual healing, Finding our identity, Gratitude, Healing love, life and death, Thanksgiving

Thursday was my 53^rd birthday, the 8^th time in my life that my birthday fell on Thanksgiving. I deliberately carved out (pun intended) a little ‘me’ time to write this post after pondering my birthdays of yesteryear and the day I was born.

I know that my mother was not awake when she gave birth to me. Back then, doctors administered a combination of pain and amnesia medications which would render a woman unconscious during childbirth. My father waited expectantly in the waiting room, probably with other fathers, for word of my birth.

In those days, there were no ultrasounds to ‘preview’ the child’s gender. “It’s a girl!” were likely the first words I heard as I entered the world.

I was named after my father’s sister, who eventually became my godmother. I wasn’t very close to Aunt Ardis. She always lived hundreds or even thousands of miles away throughout my life. She couldn’t have kids of her own, but she was honored to have a niece named after her.

Aunt Ardis died many years ago. Sadly, I was not able to attend her funeral. When her husband, Uncle Edgar, died six years ago, the executor of the estate gave me the opportunity to take some personal belongings for a keepsake. I took the small amount of inheritance I received and flew to their home in Wisconsin to explore the estate. I returned home with a beautiful set of china and some silver pieces that grace my dining room table every holiday.

More than that though was the treasure trove of cards, letters and keepsakes overlooked by other family members who arrived before me. That night in the solitude of my hotel room, I scoured through the pile and was blessed beyond belief as I read letters from my mother to Aunt Ardis, filling her in on my childhood and sending her my school photos. My aunt had every letter and Christmas card I sent her as an adult as well.

I also read through the condolence cards sent to my uncle when she passed away. I really got a feel for who she was, even though I didn’t know her well when she was alive. Being in her home and going through her belongings also gave me a glimpse into myself. Best of all was finding the original birth announcement my parents sent to her decades before. She kept all of my mementos—and in the process, left me a legacy of love!

That trip was a precious gift to me from above. It gave me more wholeness and helped to fill in the gaps of my earthly identity. It is the gifts like this, the ones that touch my heart, that mean the most to me. This Thanksgiving birthday was celebrated with gratitude for the One who has transformed my heart in so many ways over the last few years. He has redeemed the years that the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25).

Thank you, Mom, for giving me life. Thank you for investing in me. Healing and wholeness are true gifts to be celebrated on Thanksgiving and everyday.

~ Ardis A. Nelson

“Thank You” ~ The Magic Word

20 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by Catherine Lawton in childhood memories, generations coming together, Gratitude, leaving a legacy, Parenting, reach out and touch

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Tags

Child, Family, Gratitude, Home, Mother, Parenting, Thanksgiving

When my daughter, Christina, was small I took her weekly to Suzuki violin lessons. After an intensive hour of tuning, fingering, bowing, ear training, phrasing and performing the musical pieces, the bow was loosened and the half-size violin securely closed into its case. Then the teacher, Mrs. Sloat, would pick up a cut-glass, covered candy dish in which she kept treats for her students. She held the dish in the air with one hand grasping the knob of the crystal lid. She bent close to the little pig-tailed girl, and her elderly face was a picture of captivating anticipation.

“What is the magic word?” she’d ask.

“Please,” said my daughter shyly but eagerly.

Then the lid was lifted off the candy dish and Christina was allowed to choose and take two pieces. But that wasn’t the end of the session yet. Mrs. Sloat held the lid in the air above the dish with another irresistible look of expectancy in her face.

Little Christina knew what was expected. So she said the other magic word: “Thank you.”

Then Mrs. Sloat replaced the glass lid with a soft musical clink and set the candy dish back upon the table, the weekly ceremony completed, and a child trained, motivated, and rewarded.

We teach our small children, from the time they can speak in syllables, to say “thank-you.” We’re pleased when teachers and others support us in that endeavor of encouraging politeness and gratitude in our children. Then, how rewarding it is when they begin to say thank-you all on their own. Magic words indeed!

When your child comes to you with nothing to gain, not asking for anything but expressing unsolicited, heartfelt appreciation, the reward is sweeter than candy to the fine-tuned parental heart.

My husband and I experienced this when our son and then our daughter went away to college. Our training was pretty much completed. Now it would be tested. And there was no guarantee that our children would heed or appreciate the upbringing they received. Doubts plucked at my parental heart: Did we prepare them well enough? Did we teach them all we should have? Will they leave home and embrace a different way?

After a few weeks of college dorm life and hearing about other students’ family situations, our son called home and said, “Mom, Dad, I’m so thankful for you both! I never realized before what good parents I have. Thank you for all you’ve done for me. And for who you are.”

Happy tears came to our eyes as we hung up the phone that day. Love is the reward of love. And hearing your grown children say, “Thank you,” is music to parents’ ears.

Be sure to say “Thank you” to – and for – your mother and father as you are giving thanks to God for all his blessings this Thanksgiving.

~ Catherine Lawton

THE RESULT OF PRAYER

17 Saturday Nov 2012

Posted by arcecil in encouraging each other, expectations, family gatherings, generations coming together, the healing journey

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Tags

authentic relationship, Holidays, Prayer, Thanksgiving

I wrote this e-mail in response to the e-mails of my three daughters, who are planning our family Thanksgiving this year:

Dear Daughters,

As I see your e-mails flying back and forth from one of you to the others, I am filled with joy. My grown daughters are planning Thanksgiving together! You want everyone to be considered, you want it to be a good time, and you are wise enough to know a bit of planning will iron out many wrinkles.

As you know, prayer will be in our plans and in our time together. And we’ll also need to bear in mind our Thanksgiving will not be wrinkle-free. If Norman Rockwell were still living, he would not choose our family for an up-dated Thanksgiving family portrait.

I will now jar your memories with a few recent times together. However, as we revisit these “wrinkled” times, we will also be revisiting God’s hand upon them. In the summer we attended the wedding of one of you in Florida. We had prayed for many months before. The result: We had more rainy days than sunny ones, but I have never seen sunnier dispositions. The little ones who had ridden in a car for many miles to play in the sand were cramped into one room of a condo where, without whining, they watched reruns and bonded through games. The wedding was moved from the lawn to a second-floor room, but the bride did not let that dampen her spirit.

In the late summer, your father and I visited one of you overseas. We prayed for many weeks before. The result: I hobbled through Scotland on two stress-fractured feet, but it was a great vacation, made possible be an outpouring of hospitality. And my feet made for a few good laughs.

One of you, with your spouse and child, recently came for a visit. We prayed before you arrived. The result: Our son-in-law was under the weather for most of the time and the three-year-old threw up all over the bedding and himself. But, we were glad to be together and everyone felt blessed.

Yes, I’m quite sure Norman Rockwell would not have chosen our family as one of his group subjects. At Thanksgiving will there be those occasions when the children fight over a toy or fuss when bedtime is called? Sure. Will every dish of the meal turn out to look like and taste like those on the cooking shows? No. Will the house that I will work hard to have in order before you arrive stay that way? No. Will there be some real laughs? Yes. Will everyone leave better for being here? I pray they will. Will God smile down on us? I sincerely believe he will, because, through prayer, we will have included him.

All my love, Mom

~ A.R. Cecil

Toxic Mother Love?

14 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by Catherine Lawton in challenges of motherhood, confessing our need, encouraging each other, the healing journey

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Courage to be honest, Forgiving yourself, Healing love, letting go, Mothering, no false guilt or shame, Parenting

Mother love is powerful; but is it always healthy? Love does indeed cover a multitude of sins; but are they covered by my flawed, though well-intentioned love, or only by God’s agape kind of love?

Jewel, the mother in Bret Lott’s novel of the same name, maintains throughout the story that if only she loved her little Down’s Syndrome daughter enough she would be better. Sadly, her love was not enough. Her insistence on her misguided mission caused her to unwittingly neglect the rest of her family.

What is commonly celebrated as mother love is sometimes, albeit unconsciously, quite toxic. This toxic love doesn’t cover a multitude of sins, but it only covers over a crippling dysfunction that may result in some kind of pathology that later emerges in the children’s lives, and that produces guilt and failure in the mother. Mothers often grapple with guilt that pins them down instead of embracing God’s grace—a light and easy companion that lifts us to live out of His love alone.

Alice Scott-Ferguson wrote these words in her book, Mothers Can’t Be Everywhere, But God Is. Alice is an author and speaker who wrote an endorsement for Journeys to Mother Love. Her heart for mothers motivates much of her ministry. She encourages mothers of all ages to look to Christ as their source of strength and to give up the burdens of either perfectionism or guilt.

Not all of us, or our mothers, have mothered with toxic love. But we might find ourselves in that place of dysfunction, at least at times. Alice adds, “The God who runs the universe can take care of your children and loves them beyond the fiercest mother love. May you be filled with hope and joy as you trust God who wants you to live every aspect of your life—and mothering is no exception—from the life of Christ within as you walk in His rest.”

As a mother, have you carried a burden of either perfectionism in your mothering or guilt over the way you did raise your children? We can lay down those burdens and begin to walk in new freedom and joy.

~ Catherine Lawton

Mourning Their Loss

12 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by kyleen228 in encouraging each other, God's healing love, healing after abortion, reach out and touch, the healing journey

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Forgiveness, Forgiving yourself, future hope, Healing love, Post-Abortion Healing

(Photo: C. Lawton)

I attended a fund raising event last night for our local pregnancy care clinic which has the mission of erasing the perceived need for abortion, through education and support in an unplanned pregnancy. Of the many moving testimonies, one that resonated with me was an essay entitled “6 Students Absent.” In it, a teacher recounts sitting at her desk and observing her class. She goes through each student, telling his or her strengths—this one is a talented artist, this one is a friend to everyone, that one is a beautiful singer. Then she comes to the six who are absent—the students that never were, because of abortion. She mourns their loss and the fact that the world will never know them or their talents. How sad and how true.

From a mother’s perspective, I can relate to the void she was alluding to. I have felt that void every day for my lost daughter. Because God has redeemed my choice to abort so many years ago, I no longer feel condemned, but the void has never left me. There is a missing piece of my heart just as there was a missing seat in that classroom. This void is what fuels me to share my story. My heart’s desire is that a mother will be spared a broken heart, and a child who might never have been known, will be known.

Thank goodness I serve a God who is big enough to forgive any sin and to heal every hurt. I look forward to the day when I can meet my precious Holly in heaven and that void in my mother heart is finally filled.

If you would like more on this topic, please visit my blog: http://singobarrenwoman.wordpress.com/

~ Kyleen Stevenson-Braxton

A Game of Love

09 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by vernahsimms in childhood memories, generations coming together, the healing journey

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Finding our identity, mother and daughter, personal discoveries

Editor’s note: Verna, our great-grandma author/blogger, tells this sweet story about playing the game of “drop the handkerchief” as a child. Much later she learned the original meaning of the child’s game. Our relationships with our mothers are a little like that game: In later years we may look back on our childhood interactions with our mothers and realize that the daily give-and-take was really about love: dropping hints, picking up words and habits and challenges, running with longing and hope, and making memories that would last a lifetime.

DROP THE HANDKERCHIEF

When I was very young, family size was large, and houses were small. Children spent most of their days playing outdoors in the street or vacant lots. My favorite game was “Drop the Handkerchief.” As I recall, we formed a large circle, then the person who was “it” walked around the outside and dropped a square of white cloth to the ground behind whomever they chose. That individual would pick up the hanky and chase around, racing to see who could occupy the vacant spot. It was exciting and great fun!

The year a deep depression hit the entire country, we had few luxuries. Mother’s only hobby was collecting fancy handkerchiefs. She had a few from her youth–fancy white squares of delicate cloth with colored lace trim and embroidery in one corner. She kept these treasures in a drawer, neatly folded, with perfumed sachets. I recall her loaning one with delicate blue hand-crocheted trim in fine thread, for me to carry on my wedding day. Never, ever was one of these hankies used for a practical purpose.

One day, years later, I said, “Mom, why do you prize the collection of hankies so much? You never use them.”

“Well, not now, hon.” Her dreamy eyes seemed to travel back into the past. “When I was young, a girl needed these treasures so she could meet boys. When we left church or some other function, if we saw a boy we would like to know better, we would simply drop a hanky at his feet. The boy responded by picking it up and graciously returning it or putting it in his pocket and at a later date he would show up at your door and return the possession. We always had a porch swing a boy and a girl could use to have some privacy.”

“You think the game I played all those years ago came from that?” I asked.

“I think so!” she said.

I laughed. To think that all those happy hours when I chased a boy around in a circle I was really playing a “Game of Love” and didn’t know it.

~ Verna Hill Simms

Mother Wounds

07 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by ardisanelson in confessing our need, emotional needs, encouraging each other, forgiving mom, generational patterns, mother wounds, the healing journey

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Emotional and spiritual healing, Forgiving yourself, Mom Factor, Mothering, Parenting

My mother wounds ran deep—too deep to ever look at until God nudged me back to my elderly mother’s side after her debilitating stroke. Before that first trip back home in November 2009, I had written my mother off. Her schizophrenia made her unavailable to me emotionally, although I didn’t label it as that until I started to look at my own emotional deficits and participated in deep healing classes.

But I couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t her fault. I was only six years old when she had her nervous breakdown. I didn’t realize how much nurturing I wasn’t getting from her. But I knew I didn’t want to be like her in any way, shape or form. The further the distance I could put between us, the less likely I would be reminded I was her daughter. And the easier it was for me to hide from the stigma of her mental illness and the possibility that I could end up like her.

It was with that “history” that I walked into a healing class several years ago based on the book The Mom Factor by bestselling Christian psychologists Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. These authors identified six common types of mothers: the Phantom Mom, the China Doll Mom, the Controlling Mom, the Trophy Mom, the Still-the-Boss Mom and the American Express Mom. In the class we looked at the characteristics of each of these and identified the result of that type of mothering. I found this process very difficult emotionally. (I had the Phantom Mom.)

I shed many a tear as I started to understand and to grieve what I didn’t get from my mother. I learned how to get my unmet needs met in healthy ways. (The Mom Factor also includes healing steps for the adult children of each mothering type.) I found out it wasn’t too late to get the mothering I hadn’t received. I could be “re-mothered” through the women that God was putting on my path.

Our final class assignment was to write a letter to our mothers about the mothering we received. Although I experienced a lot of healing of my mother wound in this class, I couldn’t do the assignment—at least not according to the instructions. Instead of writing a letter to my mother, I chose to write a letter to my son who was turning 13 at the time. It was a letter admitting my own mothering deficiencies, labeling the type of mother I was, vowing to break the generational curse and, with God’s help, to change my mothering patterns. It was a step in forgiving myself.

One by one the women openly shared their letters to their mothers and then ceremoniously burned them. I waited until last to share my letter—nervous that I would be judged for not doing it right. I openly wept as I read it. There was no judgment or criticism from these other women. We were all on the same journey to wholeness, where grace abounds.

Although I had to wait for God’s timing for the bigger healing of my mother wound as outlined in the story “Walking My Mother Home” (in Journeys to Mother Love), identifying the type of mothering I received was a positive step in the right direction. I know my children are better off for my having done so.

~ Ardis A. Nelson

Much Ado about Nothing but Love

05 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Christina in challenges of motherhood, the healing journey

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Family, motherly instincts, Parenting

I was worried. I was going to have Baby #2. But how could I possibly love another child like my first?

I had a two-year-old girl who had changed my life. I stopped working full time so I could stay home with her and take care of her. She got a lot of undivided attention! My parents moved close by from out of state to be near this red-haired baby. We mysteriously got more out-of-town visitors after we had a baby, too. My husband accepted a new job right around the time of her birth which brought in a better income and included insurance coverage for the family. Our whole world had changed.

Now there was to be a boy. How was I going to love him as much as my girl? Would she feel left out when I had a newborn to take care of? Would she feel just as loved as before? Would I be able to split my motherly love between two?

My second baby was so different from his sister. He was actually a much easier newborn. He slept through the night much sooner and was a happy baby. No wonder – he had lots of attention and help from his sister! He is a boy – and people have commented many times that he is ALL BOY! And our girl is quite the girly girl who likes best to wear glittery dresses and high-heeled shoes. She is artistic and creative and can always come up with ideas for what to do. She just loves to be with people. She uses great vocabulary words and can express herself very well. Our boy loves to dig in the sandbox and play with Legos and cars and trucks. Basically, he loves to be physical. Even now, I had to take a give-him-attention break to keep him from climbing all over me. But the most important thing to me? Our kids play well together. They love each other and they express it openly by saying so.

My kids know that I love them. I make a point to be sure that they know that – with hugs and kisses, with spending one-on-one time with them, making healthy dinners, reading together, saying prayers together, and going on walks, etc. If my parenting skills fall short, I will apologize and remind them that I love them. Even though I know there’s room for improvement on my part, they should feel pretty secure about that!

Of course, my anxiety was all for naught. For I found, that instead of needing to split my love between the two, God just made my heart grow bigger!

~Christina

IN the MIDDLE of THREE GENERATIONS

31 Wednesday Oct 2012

Posted by arcecil in frustration to freedom, generational patterns, leaving a legacy, the healing journey

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Tags

Christian spirituality, Dream, Finding our identity, Peace and joy, Sandwich generation

Photo: Alice Cecil

One night many years ago I had a dream. It was one of those rare dreams in which God spoke. It was an odd dream in the sense that it happened on a two-dimensional surface. However, the objects and people on the two-dimensional surface were three-dimensional. Picture a flat surface, like a piece of paper, with three chairs lined up near the bottom. I was sitting in the middle chair. To my left was my mother. To my right was a daughter. (Though I have three daughters, the female figure to my right in the dream was only revealed to me as “daughter,” not one particular daughter.)

When the dream began, I was talking with my mother, intently trying to communicate an idea to her, the nature of which was also not revealed. My mother did not respond, but turned away from me. I sat for a moment and then got up. The daughter said, “Where are you going?” I did not answer, but walked to my right and up the two-dimensional flat surface along the edge to the top. God was in the center at the top. I stopped at that top corner, turned and faced out. Then the dream ended.

As both mothers and daughters, we can lose sight of who we are. We are not our mothers, daughters or anyone else. Even in our relationship with God, we are in Christ (John 14:18-20), not absorbed into him. We are in Christ as the separate, unique individuals God made us to be. In our desire to please other people, we can attach our identity to them. When we do, we will damage our relationship with God and, ironically, render ourselves less effective to minister to the people in our lives.

To help us understand God’s desire for us, we can ask ourselves a series of questions: Do we want our daughters to function as unique, loving individuals? Or do we want them to be so caught up in their concern for us, for their children or for another person, that they lose sight of who they were meant to be as individuals? Do we want our daughters to live to please us or live to please God?

How then would God have us live out his desire that we be loving, unique individuals in Christ? Romans 14:17-18 answers: “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and [then] approved to men.”

Our first focus is to please God. Then the door to the approval of people (our mothers and daughters included) will open; it will open when we serve Christ out of his imputed righteousness and in peace and joy. (I did not see very much peace and joy in me in the dream when I was sitting in the middle chair.)

Many of us, who are mothers, are in the middle now of three generations. We interact with the generation “to our left” and the generation “to our right.” It is our turn to witness the peace and joy of Romans 14:17-18 to our daughters, who will one day be in our position—in the middle chair.

~ A.R. Cecil

Emotional Captivity

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by kyleen228 in confessing our need, emotional needs, healing after abortion, the healing journey

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Tags

Emotional and spiritual captivity, Emotional and spiritual healing, Forgiving yourself, Post-Abortion Healing, Women's Issues

(Photo: C. Lawton)

Is anything holding you captive? Do you long to be emotionally and spiritually free?

(Photo: C. Lawton)

After 10 years of avoiding the truth about my abortion, even hiding it from myself, I finally faced my own emotional captivity. At some level, I knew that my journey must begin with God, by seeking his forgiveness. Little did I know that my greatest challenge would be forgiving myself. Yet Isaiah 54 has been true in my own life. I have seen God move me from captivity to freedom. He healed my mother heart and freed me from the chains of guilt and shame. What should have kept me down forever, God has turned and now uses to help set others free.

Captivity, both physical and emotional, is a recurring theme in the Bible. One of the best examples of is Isaiah 54. This chapter, written to the Israelites, predicts their return to favor and release from captivity in Babylon. But because of the rich, multi-layered nature of God’s Word, this chapter also applies to anyone finding herself in a prison of emotional and spiritual captivity.

During times of barrenness of spirit, Isaiah 54 addresses the “destitute” with the promise that even when God seems distant, he vows to “return in mercy.” And though we face seasons of life that seem blanketed by sorrow, God’s promise is to move us forward into seasons of peace and restoration, should we choose to walk with him out of captivity and into freedom. The chapter ends with the triumphant promise that Satan, the one who seeks to steal, kill and destroy all that God has established, will be “baffled” and we will emerge victorious.

These verses from Isaiah 54 (NIV) are especially meaningful to me:

‘Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,’ says the Lord.

‘Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.

‘Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

”The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected,’ says your God. ‘For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,’ says the Lord your Redeemer….

‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you….

Have you experienced this love and freedom?

~ Kyleen Stevenson-Braxton