If Your Child is a Prodigal

05 Tuesday May 2015

Posted by guestmom in Alice Scott-Ferguson, challenges of motherhood, expectations, Free to Love, God as our parent, Guest Post, Parenting, reconciliation, the healing journey

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a heart filled with love and hope, Courage to be honest, Finding our identity, Forgiveness, Forgiving yourself, God the Father, kids leaving home, letting go, Mothering, no false guilt or shame, Parenting, the prodigal child

Do you know the pain of mothering a prodigal?

If ever a situation poured self-recrimination, regret, and remorse on a mother, it is this one. Whether or not we have contributed to the child leaving home, faith, church, and even in some cases, God, our child has made a decision that we must respect. — We must not chide ourselves over our children’s autonomous choices.

Mention of the mother is missing in the most famous account of a prodigal, told by Luke in his gospel. Most likely she was there, though. Author Henri Nouwen explains that he sees the mother in the hands of the father in Rembrandt’s painting of The Prodigal (above):

“The father’s left hand touching the son’s shoulder is strong and muscular. How different is the father’s right hand! It lies gently upon the son’s shoulder—to offer consolation and comfort. It is a mother’s hand.” (quoted from The Return of the Prodigal, Image Book, 1992)

One mother admitted that it was easier for her husband to accept their daughter’s return than it was for her. Her struggle exemplifies the unrealistic responsibility mothers tend to assume for the destiny of their children. “What will people say about me as a mother?”

The prodigal may represent one of the hardest trials of a mother’s heart. But after we have cried an ocean and wailed into the dark silence of the night, hope in God. He is the heavenly Parent and is willing to wait, knowing that we all must come to an end of our own self-sufficiency before we become truly dependent on Him and not ourselves.

Let the prodigal process have its way. It is far more important for your wandering child to find the Father, than for your child to make you look good.

Henri Nouwen says that we are all prodigals if we are looking for our approval and acceptance from anywhere other than God. That includes mothers. Are we looking for the commendation of the church, family, or community that we want to impress with our perfect family, while our prodigal causes us shame and embarrassment? Then we too are being profligate in terms of our relationship with our heavenly Father, since we are looking for our identity outside of Christ. When our self identity is extricated from that of our child’s, then we are freed to love enough to let them go. We can let our reputation slide and learn our own utter dependence on God while we wait for our prodigal child to learn it as well.

We have no need to pretend in order to gain either the approval of God or man. We have no need to hide our pain or the less than perfect places and people in our lives.

“Have some of you noticed that we are not yet perfect? My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not ‘mine,’ but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I am not going to go back on that” (Galatians 2).

Alice Scott-Ferguson is a Scottish-born freelance writer, author, and motivational speaker who lives in Arizona. She writes from her heart as a wife, mother, grandmother, and Christ-follower. Among other books, she is the author of Mothers Can’t Be Everywhere, But God Is : A Liberating Look at Motherhood, from which this post is extracted.

“You’re Just Like Your Mother”

25 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by ardisanelson in challenges of motherhood, childhood memories, feeling inadequate, Learning to appreciate Mom, mother wounds, Parenting

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Children, Courage to be honest, Emotional and spiritual healing, Family, Finding our identity, letting go, life's upward path, motherly instincts, no false guilt or shame, Parenting, personal discoveries

Just like my mother: a rare photo of my mother, me and my oldest son, 1996

“You’re just like your mother!” Those words and that fear have been engrained in my mind and my psyche throughout my adulthood. They were like a blemish on my face that screamed for attention every time I got a glance of myself in the mirror. Not literally, but that’s how often the message surfaced.

I didn’t want to be anything like my mother! That comparison brought too much embarrassment, too much shame. After all, she was mentally ill.

My fears started as a teen. Whether you’re an adult (who once was a teen) or the parent of a teen, you know the feelings of embarrassment that can arise. As teens start to separate from their parents, test their independence, and explore who they are, they veer away from parental input and advice. They don’t want to be seen with their parents. And they certainly don’t want public displays of affection!

A recent episode of “The Goldbergs” addressed this very uncomfortable situation in a comical manner. Beverly, the mother in this sitcom family, which takes place in the 1980s, is always intervening—or interfering—in her teenage children’s lives. It is humorous and most often embarrassing— as you can see in this short, video scene: Beverly Catches Erica Hanging with the Cool Mom.

Fast forward to the present day and age of social media where the tables have turned. I’m now the parent of 17 and 21 year-old sons. Is it cool to be friends with your children on Facebook? And if you are friends, is it OK to ‘like’ or comment on their posts?

In my family, there is an unwritten rule: no tagging and no comments. Uploading photos are a rare treat for me. In other families, I’ve seen how they bring the good-hearted ribbing and familial connection that they share at home into the online community. I do respect the boundaries established in my family on social media interaction, although it does take some fun out of the experience.

I’ve come to realize that any embarrassment that my sons may feel due to my maternal behavior is normal. I don’t want to project the embarrassment I felt related to my mother’s behavior onto them or fuel the voice inside my head that says, “You’re just like your mother!”

However, my embarrassment with my mother was more than the normal parent/child phase of growth and maturing. My embarrassment and shame was rooted in private and public displays of her mental illness. I witnessed some pretty erratic and unhealthy behaviors from my mother during my teenage years. At times they can still haunt me.

As I wrote in “Walking my Mother Home,” my story in Journeys to Mother Love, I experienced huge identity revelations and healing with the passing of my mother in 2011. What I realized then and continue to see in new ways since her passing, is that I am just like my mother. I’ve had to separate the good traits from the bad ones. And I’ve learned to embrace those parts of me where she made a positive influence.

Four years later, I can proudly say, “It’s OK to be like my mother.”

Have you been embarrassed by your parents? Have you ever embarrassed your kids? Where are you on the spectrum of becoming just like your mother? We’d love to hear a little of your story in the comments below.

~Ardis A. Nelson

The “Facts of Life”

16 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by Catherine Lawton in challenges of motherhood, childhood memories, emotional needs, feeling inadequate, generational patterns, Parenting

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mother and daughter, no false guilt or shame, Women's Issues

My mother and father when they were engaged to be married – 1948

My mother once confided in me that until she got married, she thought you could get pregnant by kissing. This led to unnecessary feelings of guilt and fear. I’m sure her wedding night corrected this faulty information, because nine months later I was born!

By the time my sister and I had boyfriends that we were kissing, she worried whether she had told us all we needed to know to keep from getting pregnant before we were married. For sure, she hadn’t told us much. She had bought a book for teenage girls written by a recommended Christian author and told us each to read it. She never talked with us about it. Maybe she thought if we had questions, we’d come to her. The basic explanations in the book did clarify some things but also got my imagination going and made me more curious; but somehow I couldn’t bring my questions to my mother.

As you can tell from the photo above (of my mom and dad just before they were married), she was a fun and loving person. But I doubt if her parents had taught her much about the “facts of life.” Maybe folks back then assumed the kids would pick up the necessary facts by being around farm animals. And maybe the adults didn’t want to “put ideas” into the kids’ heads. Or maybe, in their own shame, discomfort, and lack of information, they were too uncomfortable to talk about “it.”

I can’t say I did a whole lot better with my children. And now they have children who are preteens and need loving explanations and guidance. There’s such a fine balance between not wanting to give them more information than they’re ready for, but giving them the answers they need at each stage of their growth.

When it comes to teaching children about sex in marriage, I think the best teaching parents can give is by example. As a teenager, lying in my bed with my bedroom door closed, sometimes I could hear my parents down the hall of our small house, in bed behind their closed door. And they would be laughing, murmuring, giggling, obviously enjoying each other.

That didn’t sound like anything to be ashamed or afraid of. It sounded like companionship, mutual affection and pleasure, something right and good. And I knew that was what I wanted.

~Catherine

Toxic Mother Love?

14 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by Catherine Lawton in challenges of motherhood, confessing our need, encouraging each other, the healing journey

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Courage to be honest, Forgiving yourself, Healing love, letting go, Mothering, no false guilt or shame, Parenting

Mother love is powerful; but is it always healthy? Love does indeed cover a multitude of sins; but are they covered by my flawed, though well-intentioned love, or only by God’s agape kind of love?

Jewel, the mother in Bret Lott’s novel of the same name, maintains throughout the story that if only she loved her little Down’s Syndrome daughter enough she would be better. Sadly, her love was not enough. Her insistence on her misguided mission caused her to unwittingly neglect the rest of her family.

What is commonly celebrated as mother love is sometimes, albeit unconsciously, quite toxic. This toxic love doesn’t cover a multitude of sins, but it only covers over a crippling dysfunction that may result in some kind of pathology that later emerges in the children’s lives, and that produces guilt and failure in the mother. Mothers often grapple with guilt that pins them down instead of embracing God’s grace—a light and easy companion that lifts us to live out of His love alone.

Alice Scott-Ferguson wrote these words in her book, Mothers Can’t Be Everywhere, But God Is. Alice is an author and speaker who wrote an endorsement for Journeys to Mother Love. Her heart for mothers motivates much of her ministry. She encourages mothers of all ages to look to Christ as their source of strength and to give up the burdens of either perfectionism or guilt.

Not all of us, or our mothers, have mothered with toxic love. But we might find ourselves in that place of dysfunction, at least at times. Alice adds, “The God who runs the universe can take care of your children and loves them beyond the fiercest mother love. May you be filled with hope and joy as you trust God who wants you to live every aspect of your life—and mothering is no exception—from the life of Christ within as you walk in His rest.”

As a mother, have you carried a burden of either perfectionism in your mothering or guilt over the way you did raise your children? We can lay down those burdens and begin to walk in new freedom and joy.

~ Catherine Lawton

MOM AND APPLE PIE

08 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by arcecil in God's healing love, the healing journey

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a heart filled with love and hope, no false guilt or shame

In the process of preparing my testimony to give at Christian Women’s Clubs, I remembered I was simply returning to an activity I did many years ago. The main part of my story has always been the illness of our second-born daughter. However, when I gave my testimony before, I did not share the part about my unhappy childhood. The relationship of a daughter to her mother is fairly sacred ground. It is: “Mom and apple pie.”

As a young boy wants to be able to say, “My dad can beat up your dad,” the young girl wants to be able to say, “My mom makes better chocolate chip cookies than your mom.” (Here I’m substituting “chocolate chip cookies” for “apple pie.”)

I have learned to stay tight-lipped in social settings regarding my relationship with my mother. Honoring my mother is the main reason. However, even to share a minor detail with a group of other women is to create a situation where an awkward pause will result, followed by one of the other women sharing her mother’s chocolate chip cookie recipe (so to speak).

Since the making of chocolate chip cookies seems to be synonymous with good mothering, we will use it as our gauge. In the situation where a young girl’s mother never made chocolate chip cookies (a neglectful childhood), burnt every tray (an abusive childhood), or made really bad-tasting cookies (a dysfunctional childhood), the young girl will probably experience shame. The child might question: “Other families have chocolate chip cookies; why is our family different? Is there something about our family that is not right?” And, the trickle-down effect will cause her to say: “Something about me must not be right.” The end result of shame is usually a heart filled with false guilt. Unfortunately, the false guilt in her childhood will probably go with the young girl into adulthood, where she will never be able to bake enough chocolate chip cookies to make up for the heavy load she carries.

God fills our hearts with his love! “And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” (Romans 5:5). There is hope for the young girl or the woman, because there is something wonderful with which to fill their hearts! As they grow in the knowledge of our heavenly Father’s love, his love will fill their hearts until there will be no room left for shame and false guilt.

My story entry in JOURNEYS TO MOTHER LOVE played a role in helping to set me free. In the process of preparing the new testimony for Christian Women’s Clubs, I told a friend, “Well, I might as well include the part from my childhood. After all, it’s already out there in the book!” I was able to say those words in the most sincerely light-hearted way. God has filled my heart with his love and now he has opened it.

~A.R. Cecil