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Journeys To Mother Love

~ Encouragement and healing in mother/child relationships

Journeys To Mother Love

Tag Archives: motherly instincts

“You’re Just Like Your Mother”

25 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by ardisanelson in challenges of motherhood, childhood memories, feeling inadequate, Learning to appreciate Mom, mother wounds, Parenting

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Children, Courage to be honest, Emotional and spiritual healing, Family, Finding our identity, letting go, life's upward path, motherly instincts, no false guilt or shame, Parenting, personal discoveries

Mom's visit

Just like my mother: a rare photo of my mother, me and my oldest son, 1996

“You’re just like your mother!” Those words and that fear have been engrained in my mind and my psyche throughout my adulthood. They were like a blemish on my face that screamed for attention every time I got a glance of myself in the mirror. Not literally, but that’s how often the message surfaced.

I didn’t want to be anything like my mother! That comparison brought too much embarrassment, too much shame. After all, she was mentally ill.

My fears started as a teen. Whether you’re an adult (who once was a teen) or the parent of a teen, you know the feelings of embarrassment that can arise. As teens start to separate from their parents, test their independence, and explore who they are, they veer away from parental input and advice. They don’t want to be seen with their parents. And they certainly don’t want public displays of affection!

A recent episode of “The Goldbergs” addressed this very uncomfortable situation in a comical manner. Beverly, the mother in this sitcom family, which takes place in the 1980s, is always intervening—or interfering—in her teenage children’s lives. It is humorous and most often embarrassing— as you can see in this short, video scene: Beverly Catches Erica Hanging with the Cool Mom.

Fast forward to the present day and age of social media where the tables have turned. I’m now the parent of 17 and 21 year-old sons. Is it cool to be friends with your children on Facebook? And if you are friends, is it OK to ‘like’ or comment on their posts?

In my family, there is an unwritten rule: no tagging and no comments. Uploading photos are a rare treat for me. In other families, I’ve seen how they bring the good-hearted ribbing and familial connection that they share at home into the online community. I do respect the boundaries established in my family on social media interaction, although it does take some fun out of the experience.

I’ve come to realize that any embarrassment that my sons may feel due to my maternal behavior is normal. I don’t want to project the embarrassment I felt related to my mother’s behavior onto them or fuel the voice inside my head that says, “You’re just like your mother!”

However, my embarrassment with my mother was more than the normal parent/child phase of growth and maturing. My embarrassment and shame was rooted in private and public displays of her mental illness. I witnessed some pretty erratic and unhealthy behaviors from my mother during my teenage years. At times they can still haunt me.

As I wrote in “Walking my Mother Home,” my story in Journeys to Mother Love, I experienced huge identity revelations and healing with the passing of my mother in 2011. What I realized then and continue to see in new ways since her passing, is that I am just like my mother. I’ve had to separate the good traits from the bad ones. And I’ve learned to embrace those parts of me where she made a positive influence.

Four years later, I can proudly say, “It’s OK to be like my mother.”

Have you been embarrassed by your parents? Have you ever embarrassed your kids? Where are you on the spectrum of becoming just like your mother? We’d love to hear a little of your story in the comments below.

~Ardis A. Nelson

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Motherly Instincts

02 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by Catherine Lawton in Parenting

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

animal babies, elk, Family, Instinct, Mothering, motherly instincts, nature, Parenting, Rocky Mountain National Park, wildlife

English: American Robin in Nest lies on the eg...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Observe the natural world and you can see that God places instincts in mothers — of all species — to nurture and care for their children. I watched a robin nest in one of our apple trees this spring. The mother robin vigilantly sat on the nest and watched over the eggs, then the two hatchlings. She kept them fed and warm and safe. As they grew to fledglings, the mother robin would perch nearby and scold me with loud chirps whenever I came near the tree in my gardening work or stood on tiptoes to peer at the speckled little robins.

2013_0625Image0073I saw the same motherly instincts at play recently in Rocky Mountain National Park. In a grassy meadow in the early evening a herd of elk cows grazed. At first glance I didn’t see the babies. Then I noticed the perky ears and heads sticking up from the tall grass where many newborn calves lay waiting for their mothers to have their fill of grazing and come feed them. … The calves started calling with cute little sounds that said, “Mommy, I’m hungry.” Then a mother elk responded and moved in among the grassy nursery of calves.

2013_0625Image0084

2013_0625Image0088She smelled and kissed one baby after another until she recognized her own child.

2013_0625Image0085

2013_0625Image0087And then it was dinner time.

2013_0625Image0091

I’m thanking the Lord for the instincts he has given mothers — both human and animals creatures —to nurture, feed, and care for our young.

~ Catherine Lawton

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Much Ado about Nothing but Love

05 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Christina in challenges of motherhood, the healing journey

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Family, motherly instincts, Parenting

Image

I was worried. I was going to have Baby #2. But how could I possibly love another child like my first?

I had a two-year-old girl who had changed my life. I stopped working full time so I could stay home with her and take care of her. She got a lot of undivided attention! My parents moved close by from out of state to be near this red-haired baby. We mysteriously got more out-of-town visitors after we had a baby, too. My husband accepted a new job right around the time of her birth which brought in a better income and included insurance coverage for the family. Our whole world had changed.

Now there was to be a boy. How was I going to love him as much as my girl? Would she feel left out when I had a newborn to take care of? Would she feel just as loved as before? Would I be able to split my motherly love between two?

My second baby was so different from his sister. He was actually a much easier newborn. He slept through the night much sooner and was a happy baby. No wonder – he had lots of attention and help from his sister! He is a boy – and people have commented many times that he is ALL BOY! And our girl is quite the girly girl who likes best to wear glittery dresses and high-heeled shoes. She is artistic and creative and can always come up with ideas for what to do. She just loves to be with people. She uses great vocabulary words and can express herself very well. Our boy loves to dig in the sandbox and play with Legos and cars and trucks. Basically, he loves to be physical. Even now, I had to take a give-him-attention break to keep him from climbing all over me. But the most important thing to me? Our kids play well together. They love each other and they express it openly by saying so.

My kids know that I love them. I make a point to be sure that they know that – with hugs and kisses, with spending one-on-one time with them, making healthy dinners, reading together, saying prayers together, and going on walks, etc. If my parenting skills fall short, I will apologize and remind them that I love them. Even though I know there’s room for improvement on my part, they should feel pretty secure about that!

Of course, my anxiety was all for naught. For I found, that instead of needing to split my love between the two, God just made my heart grow bigger!

~Christina

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“Letting Go” of Your Child

29 Saturday Sep 2012

Posted by Catherine Lawton in challenges of motherhood, the healing journey

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

kids leaving home, letting go, motherly instincts, smother love

mother watching kids board school bus

Sending your child out into the big world can be scary. If you had a mother who was over-protective, or who was mostly absent, you may struggle to find a good parental balance as your own children grow and their world expands.

“Letting go” is a challenge. Fortunately, from birth to adulthood, we let go a little at a time. When you hold your newborn in your arms, you can’t yet imagine letting him play in the backyard. When he’s a toddler under your watchful eye, you can’t yet imagine sending him down the street on a bicycle. When he’s riding the bus to elementary school, you can’t yet imagine letting him drive a car to high school. When she starts high school and still needs parental boundaries, it’s hard to imagine sending her to college hundreds of miles from home. Each step in the “letting go” process can come surprisingly easy when the right time arrives! But looking ahead can overwhelm our motherly instincts. Each step brings a mixture of emotions for mom: pride in your child’s progress and accomplishments; concern for him as his world and influences widen; and your own emotions involved in releasing her. Our children will grow and “go.” The alternative isn’t very acceptable, having them stay dependent on us. So we might as well “let go.” But doing it with grace takes preparation, prayer, and perhaps a sense of humor.

When I sent my first child to kindergarten, I felt pride in his readiness; but I admit, I shed a few tears. I dealt with the feelings in my typical way — by writing a poem. I dug out that poem today to share with you:

First Day of School

Big Yellow School Bus
Why are you in such a rush
To take my little boy away
To his first school day?

Wake ‘im up, “Get out of bed,”
Make sure both his socks are red;
Eggs and toast, butter and honey,
Forty cents milk money.

Hair combed, teeth brushed;
Out the door ready to rush;
Stopping to kiss me the same way
He’s watched his dad do each day.

I’m glad to see him take this step
With such eagerness and pep;
But, School Bus, as you’re drawing near,
Will you overlook one tear?

Where’s the tot trailing yellow blankie,
Blue eyes smiling up at me?—
He is still my pride and joy,
Big Little School boy.

© Catherine Lawton

Maybe your child is stepping into a new milestone of her life. How does it make you feel? Do you find it hard to “let go”? Why is it hard, do you think? Was your mother a good role model for you in this process? What helps you the most at these times?

~ Catherine Lawton

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