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Journeys To Mother Love

~ Encouragement and healing in mother/child relationships

Journeys To Mother Love

Category Archives: emotional needs

Exaggerated Memories

13 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by Catherine Lawton in emotional needs, forgiving mom, Learning to appreciate Mom, losing mom too soon, the healing journey

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authentic relationship, Courage to be honest, Grief Loss and Bereavement

Lilies

In The Secret Life of Bees, the girl Lily deals with feelings of guilt, anger, and forsakenness after her mother’s death. At the end of the story she says:

“I keep my mother’s things on a special shelf in my room…. The feeling that they are holy objects is already starting to wear off…. In the photograph by my bed my mother is perpetually smiling on me. I guess I have forgiven us both, although sometimes in the night my dreams will take me back to the sadness, and I have to wake up and forgive us again.” (from The Secret Life of Bees, p. 301)

After a loved one dies we tend to idealize that person. In our minds we exaggerate their positive qualities and minimize—maybe for a while we even forget—their negative qualities. I knew a mother whose young son died in a Boy Scout hiking accident. Even after ten years she hadn’t moved anything in his bedroom. And no one else was allowed in there. That space, his things, and those memories were sacrosanct.

At the beginning of The Secret Life of Bees Lily treats the few things she has left that belonged to her mother as holy objects, buried secretly in a treasure box. By the end of the book Lily keeps these objects on a shelf like other possessions, and she is even beginning to let her friends touch them.

In the book, Motherless Daughters, author Hope Edelman says, “Like anger, idealization is a normal and useful early response to loss. Focusing on a mother’s good traits reaffirms the importance of her presence, and processing the happy side of a relationship is a gentle way to activate mourning. But every human relationship is affected by ambivalence, every mother an amalgam of the good and the bad” (p. 19). Ms. Edelman explains that if we are to mourn our mothers fully, we need to look back and “acknowledge the flip sides of perfection and love.” Otherwise we will be remembering our mothers as only half of what they were, and even ending up mourning a caricature, not the person who was your mother.

My mother died young, before I had matured in my understanding of her and ability to relate to her. I was stuck in my needy grief as long as I memorialized her in my mind as perfect, almost hallowed. Coming to remember, love, and appreciate my mother as a multi-faceted, even flawed woman (albeit one who loved a perfectly loving and holy God) has helped me move through the grief to a place where I can live and love much more freely.

~ Catherine Lawton

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Facing Demons from the Past

04 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by Catherine Lawton in emotional needs, God's healing love, the healing journey

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Courage to be honest, Emotional and spiritual healing

Upper tangent arc crossed by contrail shadow

These women have faced demons from the past and challenges of the present by opening themselves to God’s grace…

This comment came from Shirley Brosius, author and speaker with Friends of the Heart ministry, after she read Journeys to Mother Love.

You can read the rest of Shirley’s review on her blog: http://www.shirleybrosius.blogspot.com/2013/02/book-review-journeys-to-mother-love.html

I appreciate Shirley’s words. Yes, “demons from our past” can haunt us, hinder us, hobble us. And like a shadow in the dark the memories and trauma of those demons of the past can appear larger than life and still have more power over us than we can understand.

I remember thinking when I was in my thirties, “How could I still be thinking every day about this thing that happened to me when I was four years old? Why does it have such power over me even now; why do I still feel the fear, the shame?”

The power those demons from the past had over me—and others who share their stories in Journeys to Mother Love—is gone now. And Shirley is right about that too. Freedom came when we opened ourselves to God’s healing grace.

~ Catherine Lawton

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“Mother” was Only a Vague Memory

04 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by Catherine Lawton in Adopted children, childhood memories, emotional needs, God's healing love, leaving a legacy, losing mom too soon, when tragedy hits

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Christian novel, Christmas, Grandparent, Holidays, Modeling the faith

White-As-Snow-Cover-Kindle

For this fictional character, Charlie, a boy on the Colorado Frontier in 1862, “mother” was a vague memory. An orphan, he was raised by his grandparents on a small ranch at the foot of the Colorado Rocky Mountains. As a youth now, just coming of age, his Grandma has died and his Grandpa lies dying in their two-room cabin. Charlie feels all alone with winter approaching and no one to celebrate Christmas with. He misses Grandma and longs for the mother he never knew. He has to do the work of a man to prepare for winter; but he is not quite up to it.

He also longs to prove himself and foolishly takes Grandpa’s huge rifle out to hunt for food. Fortunately his Grandma left him a legacy of faith. And, as Charlie is tested beyond his abilities, and things look dire, divine help shows up in the form of a gigantic and mysterious mountain man.

This is the first book in a series of four Christian novels set in 1800s Colorado Frontier. White As Snow is a heartwarming Christmas story. And it is FREE in the Amazon Kindle Store this week!

~ Catherine Lawton

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Mother Wounds

07 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by ardisanelson in confessing our need, emotional needs, encouraging each other, forgiving mom, generational patterns, mother wounds, the healing journey

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Emotional and spiritual healing, Forgiving yourself, Mom Factor, Mothering, Parenting

cropped-blog-header-web1.jpg

My mother wounds ran deep—too deep to ever look at until God nudged me back to my elderly mother’s side after her debilitating stroke. Before that first trip back home in November 2009, I had written my mother off. Her schizophrenia made her unavailable to me emotionally, although I didn’t label it as that until I started to look at my own emotional deficits and participated in deep healing classes.

But I couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t her fault. I was only six years old when she had her nervous breakdown. I didn’t realize how much nurturing I wasn’t getting from her. But I knew I didn’t want to be like her in any way, shape or form. The further the distance I could put between us, the less likely I would be reminded I was her daughter. And the easier it was for me to hide from the stigma of her mental illness and the possibility that I could end up like her.

It was with that “history” that I walked into a healing class several years ago based on the book The Mom Factor by bestselling Christian psychologists Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. These authors identified six common types of mothers: the Phantom Mom, the China Doll Mom, the Controlling Mom, the Trophy Mom, the Still-the-Boss Mom and the American Express Mom. In the class we looked at the characteristics of each of these and identified the result of that type of mothering. I found this process very difficult emotionally. (I had the Phantom Mom.)

I shed many a tear as I started to understand and to grieve what I didn’t get from my mother. I learned how to get my unmet needs met in healthy ways. (The Mom Factor also includes healing steps for the adult children of each mothering type.) I found out it wasn’t too late to get the mothering I hadn’t received. I could be “re-mothered” through the women that God was putting on my path.

Our final class assignment was to write a letter to our mothers about the mothering we received. Although I experienced a lot of healing of my mother wound in this class, I couldn’t do the assignment—at least not according to the instructions. Instead of writing a letter to my mother, I chose to write a letter to my son who was turning 13 at the time. It was a letter admitting my own mothering deficiencies, labeling the type of mother I was, vowing to break the generational curse and, with God’s help, to change my mothering patterns. It was a step in forgiving myself.

One by one the women openly shared their letters to their mothers and then ceremoniously burned them. I waited until last to share my letter—nervous that I would be judged for not doing it right. I openly wept as I read it. There was no judgment or criticism from these other women. We were all on the same journey to wholeness, where grace abounds.

Although I had to wait for God’s timing for the bigger healing of my mother wound as outlined in the story “Walking My Mother Home” (in Journeys to Mother Love), identifying the type of mothering I received was a positive step in the right direction. I know my children are better off for my having done so.

~ Ardis A. Nelson

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Emotional Captivity

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by kyleen228 in confessing our need, emotional needs, healing after abortion, the healing journey

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Emotional and spiritual captivity, Emotional and spiritual healing, Forgiving yourself, Post-Abortion Healing, Women's Issues

Red-tail hawks soaring

(Photo: C. Lawton)

Is anything holding you captive? Do you long to be emotionally and spiritually free?

Red-tail hawk soaring

(Photo: C. Lawton)

After 10 years of avoiding the truth about my abortion, even hiding it from myself, I finally faced my own emotional captivity. At some level, I knew that my journey must begin with God, by seeking his forgiveness. Little did I know that my greatest challenge would be forgiving myself. Yet Isaiah 54 has been true in my own life. I have seen God move me from captivity to freedom. He healed my mother heart and freed me from the chains of guilt and shame. What should have kept me down forever, God has turned and now uses to help set others free.

Captivity, both physical and emotional, is a recurring theme in the Bible. One of the best examples of is Isaiah 54. This chapter, written to the Israelites, predicts their return to favor and release from captivity in Babylon. But because of the rich, multi-layered nature of God’s Word, this chapter also applies to anyone finding herself in a prison of emotional and spiritual captivity.

During times of barrenness of spirit, Isaiah 54 addresses the “destitute” with the promise that even when God seems distant, he vows to “return in mercy.” And though we face seasons of life that seem blanketed by sorrow, God’s promise is to move us forward into seasons of peace and restoration, should we choose to walk with him out of captivity and into freedom. The chapter ends with the triumphant promise that Satan, the one who seeks to steal, kill and destroy all that God has established, will be “baffled” and we will emerge victorious.

These verses from Isaiah 54 (NIV) are especially meaningful to me:

‘Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,’ says the Lord.

‘Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.

‘Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

”The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected,’ says your God. ‘For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,’ says the Lord your Redeemer….

‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you….

Have you experienced this love and freedom?

~ Kyleen Stevenson-Braxton

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God Works All Things Together For Good

12 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by kyleen228 in emotional needs, encouraging each other, God's healing love, the healing journey

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Christian spirituality, Emotional and spiritual healing, God's promises, unresolved hurt

I was blessed the other night to see Mandisa, a Dove Award winning Christian singer, in concert at my church. As she shared her testimony about being sexually abused as a child and using food to fill the emptiness that heartache created, I was struck at how often an unresolved hurt can lead to so many other consequences in our lives. She shared that she wanted to be overweight because it caused her to get less attention from men and that felt safe. In the last few years, God has done a healing work in Mandisa to the point she has shed 100 lbs. and now can share openly at her concerts about how God is healing her from this hurt she has carried since she was five years old.

And yet, this very same hurt is what the singer/song writer uses to write such tender, poignant songs about pain. Her songs connect because they ring true. She has a gift to express how pain makes us feel, as well as to celebrate the freedom found when Christ begins to heal those hurts and the pain subsides.

So here again is another example of how God’s promise, to work all things together for good, is a promise we can count on (Romans 8:28). Mandisa’s gift comes out of her pain and God is using her every time she shares her testimony so openly. My prayer is that He would do the same with my testimony and willingness to share such a difficult thing in my own life. She encouraged me last night because, although our heartaches came from different sources and mine was my own doing, I saw so clearly how God was using her pain for good, to remind others that nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37).

~ Kyleen Stevenson-Braxton

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Gaining Perspective

08 Saturday Sep 2012

Posted by Catherine Lawton in childhood memories, emotional needs, the healing journey, when tragedy hits

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Posing in front of the burned-out house

Cathy (r.), with her mom and little sister in front of the burned-out house, showing off new dresses they were given, after losing everything they owned

So much depends on perspective. Part of maturity is learning to see situations from another person’s perspective.

For instance, in Journeys to Mother Love I wrote about the time our house burned down in the night and we barely escaped with our lives. My memories and perspective of the fire are those of the four-year-old child I was at the time. Walking through the flames, and later poking through the ashes, left real trauma and fear in my psyche. But the whole experience built real faith in my parents! And their busyness—re-establishing a home while planting a church—didn’t leave much room for helping their quiet little girl with her emotional needs. My parents’ call to ministry was the over-arching purpose and focus of our lives. They had committed their lives to the Lord and the church, and he would take care of us.

One week after Journeys to Mother Love was published, I was rummaging in my mother’s old cedar chest and found a letter she wrote soon after the fire. At the time, Mother was a 24-year-old pastor’s wife, and the mom of 2 preschoolers, living in California. It was the 1950s. Here is what she wrote to her parents back “home” in Colorado:

Dearest Daddy & Mother,

I’m sitting here at the table eating my breakfast…

Yesterday was the organization day for our church. We had 52 in Sunday School and about 60 for the church service (in our living room). It was wonderful. Our house was really crowded. Rev. Brown and his family were here to organize the church. It was thrilling.

God has certainly blessed us since the fire. It seems like the blessings have already out-weighed the terrible calamity. All the churches on the district took up offerings for us. A man at Central Church gave us a beautiful chrome dinette set…. We’re going to use the money we’ve received to buy some of the things we lost, such as a mixer, pen & pencil set, toaster, lamps, etc. … We never realized that we had so many wonderful friends and that people were so good – even complete strangers.

The baby pictures were all ruined. Do you suppose you could visit the different places we had them taken and see if they will make us some more? …

We’re going to get a settlement on the insurance which we’ll use to start building our new church. People have joked with us about starting the fire, the way things have worked out so well. We just know God has made the best of it and is using it for his glory.

We all still have a terrible dread of another fire and feel very strange at night when we go to bed. The sound of a fire engine sends cold chills up me now. I never did like the sound anyway and you know how I’ve always been so afraid of fire….

Well, I’ve got to go and get busy.

All our love,

Talk about perspective. I didn’t know Mother had such a fear of fire, or that she felt “very strange at night” when we all went to bed. I only remember my own childhood fear, panic and feelings of helplessness, and my parents’ preoccupation with the church work.

The fire wasn’t the only trial the Lord brought us through. And he is still “bringing me through”—giving me new perspectives.

Have you gained the perspective of viewing your story through the eyes of another person (perhaps your mother)?

~ Catherine Lawton

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Mother Love

17 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by Christina in emotional needs, expectations, forgiving mom, God's healing love, importance of prayer, mother wounds, reconciliation, the healing journey

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Life is like a Ferris wheel going round and round, repeating itself over and over, sometimes you find yourself on the top looking out over your life. You think, ‘This is good; I could go on like this forever.’ But as soon as you get really comfortable with that thought, you feel yourself slowly slipping over the edge, descending toward some unknown yet familiar pit that consumes you until you feel the wheel slowly ascending to the top again.

I read this passage with its beautiful imagery in Katie’s Choice, a novel by Tracey Langford. The character in her story thinks about the seasons of the year, like football and Thanksgiving and Easter and how these event staples in our lives reliably return year by year. I picture each “car” of the Ferris wheel carrying people who enter and sometimes exit our lives, but have still been a part of the ride or journey. And who we have, for better or worse, developed a relationship with. Sometimes those relationships also go through a similar pattern—up and down, seeing a promising future and then feeling like we can’t connect well.

But there is one relationship that was always there. One that started before we were born. One we felt and treasured in our own limited way, even in the beginning: The one with our mother.

This site is dedicated to that Mother Love, even when it takes a round-about journey to get there. I believe that a complete healing and wholeness can be found in any mother-child relationship, even if you thought it was too late.

That is the premise of the collection of stories written by nine women in Journeys to Mother Love: Nine Women Tell their Stories of Forgiveness & Healing, compiled by Catherine Lawton and published by Cladach Publishing (www.cladach.com). No matter what your background, you will find yourself drawn to these stories and be able to relate to many of the feelings, experiences, and challenges these women have faced. And maybe, like them, you will find more healing and closure through God’s love, forgiveness and peace than you ever imagined!

Here are the stories in the book:

1. FEELING INADEQUATE:
Run, Run as Fast as You Can by A.R. Cecil

2.  DEVASTATED by VIOLENCE and SEPARATION:
She Did Her Best by Treva Brown

3.  ALWAYS “SECOND FIDDLE”:
Take Care of Your Mother by Verna Hill Simms

4.  ADJUSTING to CHANGES in MOM:
Finding the Blessings in Alzheimer’s by Kerry Luksic

5.  AFTER ABORTION and CANCER:
Beauty from Barrenness by Kyleen Stevenson-Braxton

6.  UNMET EMOTIONAL NEEDS:
When I Feel Forsaken by Catherine Lawton

7.  STEPMOTHER BLUES:
Finishing Well by Ellen Cardwell

8.  DISTANCED by a MENTAL DISORDER:
Walking My Mother Home by Ardis A. Nelson

9.  ANGRY and FRUSTRATED with MOM:
White Knuckles by Loritta Slayton

Do you have a wonderful relationship with your mom and/or your children today? We hope you do! And we would love to hear your story, too. You are not alone! This is a place to connect and to share. A place where you can find Christians who have gone through similar struggles … or are still going through them.

Whether you are looking at life from the upside or the downside, God cares. And so do we.

~ Christina Slike

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