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Journeys To Mother Love

~ Encouragement and healing in mother/child relationships

Journeys To Mother Love

Author Archives: arcecil

IN the MIDDLE of THREE GENERATIONS

31 Wednesday Oct 2012

Posted by arcecil in frustration to freedom, generational patterns, leaving a legacy, the healing journey

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Christian spirituality, Dream, Finding our identity, Peace and joy, Sandwich generation

3 chairs suspended

Photo: Alice Cecil

One night many years ago I had a dream. It was one of those rare dreams in which God spoke. It was an odd dream in the sense that it happened on a two-dimensional surface. However, the objects and people on the two-dimensional surface were three-dimensional. Picture a flat surface, like a piece of paper, with three chairs lined up near the bottom. I was sitting in the middle chair. To my left was my mother. To my right was a daughter. (Though I have three daughters, the female figure to my right in the dream was only revealed to me as “daughter,” not one particular daughter.)

When the dream began, I was talking with my mother, intently trying to communicate an idea to her, the nature of which was also not revealed. My mother did not respond, but turned away from me. I sat for a moment and then got up. The daughter said, “Where are you going?” I did not answer, but walked to my right and up the two-dimensional flat surface along the edge to the top. God was in the center at the top. I stopped at that top corner, turned and faced out. Then the dream ended.

As both mothers and daughters, we can lose sight of who we are. We are not our mothers, daughters or anyone else. Even in our relationship with God, we are in Christ (John 14:18-20), not absorbed into him. We are in Christ as the separate, unique individuals God made us to be. In our desire to please other people, we can attach our identity to them. When we do, we will damage our relationship with God and, ironically, render ourselves less effective to minister to the people in our lives.

To help us understand God’s desire for us, we can ask ourselves a series of questions: Do we want our daughters to function as unique, loving individuals? Or do we want them to be so caught up in their concern for us, for their children or for another person, that they lose sight of who they were meant to be as individuals? Do we want our daughters to live to please us or live to please God?

How then would God have us live out his desire that we be loving, unique individuals in Christ? Romans 14:17-18 answers: “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and [then] approved to men.”

Our first focus is to please God. Then the door to the approval of people (our mothers and daughters included) will open; it will open when we serve Christ out of his imputed righteousness and in peace and joy. (I did not see very much peace and joy in me in the dream when I was sitting in the middle chair.)

Many of us, who are mothers, are in the middle now of three generations. We interact with the generation “to our left” and the generation “to our right.” It is our turn to witness the peace and joy of Romans 14:17-18 to our daughters, who will one day be in our position—in the middle chair.

~ A.R. Cecil

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MOM AND APPLE PIE

08 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by arcecil in God's healing love, the healing journey

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a heart filled with love and hope, no false guilt or shame

Apple piesIn the process of preparing my testimony to give at Christian Women’s Clubs, I remembered I was simply returning to an activity I did many years ago. The main part of my story has always been the illness of our second-born daughter. However, when I gave my testimony before, I did not share the part about my unhappy childhood. The relationship of a daughter to her mother is fairly sacred ground. It is: “Mom and apple pie.”

As a young boy wants to be able to say, “My dad can beat up your dad,” the young girl wants to be able to say, “My mom makes better chocolate chip cookies than your mom.” (Here I’m substituting “chocolate chip cookies” for “apple pie.”)

I have learned to stay tight-lipped in social settings regarding my relationship with my mother. Honoring my mother is the main reason. However, even to share a minor detail with a group of other women is to create a situation where an awkward pause will result, followed by one of the other women sharing her mother’s chocolate chip cookie recipe (so to speak).

English: Half a dozen home-made cookies. Ingre...

Since the making of chocolate chip cookies seems to be synonymous with good mothering, we will use it as our gauge. In the situation where a young girl’s mother never made chocolate chip cookies (a neglectful childhood), burnt every tray (an abusive childhood), or made really bad-tasting cookies (a dysfunctional childhood), the young girl will probably experience shame. The child might question: “Other families have chocolate chip cookies; why is our family different? Is there something about our family that is not right?” And, the trickle-down effect will cause her to say: “Something about me must not be right.” The end result of shame is usually a heart filled with false guilt. Unfortunately, the false guilt in her childhood will probably go with the young girl into adulthood, where she will never be able to bake enough chocolate chip cookies to make up for the heavy load she carries.

God fills our hearts with his love! “And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” (Romans 5:5). There is hope for the young girl or the woman, because there is something wonderful with which to fill their hearts! As they grow in the knowledge of our heavenly Father’s love, his love will fill their hearts until there will be no room left for shame and false guilt.

My story entry in JOURNEYS TO MOTHER LOVE played a role in helping to set me free. In the process of preparing the new testimony for Christian Women’s Clubs, I told a friend, “Well, I might as well include the part from my childhood. After all, it’s already out there in the book!” I was able to say those words in the most sincerely light-hearted way. God has filled my heart with his love and now he has opened it.

~A.R. Cecil

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APRON STRINGS & WINGS

03 Wednesday Oct 2012

Posted by arcecil in challenges of motherhood, leaving a legacy, the healing journey

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Family, Modeling the faith, Praying for our children, spirituality

(Photo: C. Lawton)

 

Many years ago when my children were playing about my feet, I wrote in my journal, “The desire of my heart is that my children live happy and full lives.” I thought of all the ways in which they could be nurtured so that they would have wings one day. I could encourage them, help them develop their talents, discipline them and pray for them. Then I realized one of the most important things I could do for my children was to model a happy and full life. In many regards, this last idea seemed like the most challenging of all the ideas I had that day.

As my children would need help on their journeys, I too have needed Someone to nurture me. There is a scripture that holds the answer: “Repent and be baptized, everyone of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for whom the Lord will call” (Acts 2:38-39).

(Photo: C. Lawton)

We are able to live out the best-possible legacy for our children because, as Christians, our sins have been forgiven! Our past sins can be the weight we pull behind us. Thinking on them can result in unhappiness. And as we have been forgiven, we are to forgive. If we don’t forgive those injustices that have been committed against us, that will become the weight we pull. We are forgiven and we are enabled by God to forgive. This then becomes the undergriding for a happy life with wings.

The second sentence tells us by entering in, we receive the Holy Spirit. He is the One who nurtures us. The Holy Spirit spoke to me that day when, after writing the journal entry, I realized the importance of modeling a happy and full life for my children. The work of the Holy Spirit refines our thinking, sifting out all those lies that make for unhappiness. He also helps us develop our spiritual gifts. Then our children can see a mom who is happy as she uses her talents for the benefit of others (Matthew 25:14-30).

Lastly, the above scripture directly links us with our children, for the scripture says: “The promise is for you and your children…” The promises God has given to us are more readily realized in the lives of our children when they are able to witness them in a mom who has embraced them. We cannot fake happiness; our children are great detectors of anything fake. We will never be perfect moms. (To project ourselves in such a way is to create another kind of burden!) But by the day-to-day, slow-and-steady work of the Lord in our lives, we can be moms who are able to give our children apron strings when they are needed, and who are then able to give them wings when the time comes. They can be confident in their ability to grow wings because their mom has a pair.

~ A.R. Cecil

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Something Good Out of This

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by arcecil in childhood memories, generational patterns, rejecting lies, the healing journey

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authentic relationship, spirituality

Rose in the garden

(Photo: C. Lawton)

Revisiting our past: does it serve any good purpose? Our pasts are part of our stories. We can’t cut out the parts we don’t like and throw them away. Would we cut them out, if we could? I wouldn’t. I can’t imagine who I would have become without the disappointments and setbacks; I can’t imagine who I would have become without God working for good in all the disappointments and setbacks.

We may need to do some sorting. While I wouldn’t cut out any of my past and throw it away, I have needed to sort falsehoods from truth. In other words, we need not take everything from our childhood and accept it as truth just because it happened or was spoken. If, for example, we were always told the name for a rose is “daisy,” then one day we will need to relearn this falsehood so we can function in the real world. Yes, a rose by any name smells just as sweet; but the wrong name would cause confusion at the florist. We need truth on our side in order to function in the real world.

We may need to ask some questions. Did childhood lessons on the need to be a good child and sacrificially give, contribute to an overly acute sense of right and wrong? On the other hand, did a lack of training result in a “free spirit” that now roams the world seeking an anchor? Did the elephant of generational dysfunction stand in the middle of the living room forcing you to live with your back against a wall? Was your childhood a false oasis of perfection? When you stepped into the real world, were you shocked and unprepared? Or were Christian principles taught, but they were presented in a skewed way or simply not lived out by those in authority? Was the message so mixed that you have become too perplexed to even know where to begin to enter into an authentic relationship with God? Are hurts and fears now blocking the way?

Sort, yes; but give it all to God. God uses all of the details of our stories—even details of childhood abuse, neglect or trauma—for his glory. Individuals who suffered under those conditions carry an increased burden, but God can use that increased burden. God’s Word provides clear evidence that Moses, David and Paul carried the effects of their childhood into their adulthood. A baby in a basket, a lonely shepherd boy, and a Pharisee’s prodigy were all used by God. In fact, God’s plan for Moses was advanced by his childhood in Pharaoh’s home; God’s plan for David was advanced by the isolated life he lived in the protection of his father’s sheep while his brothers were off being warriors; and God’s plan for Paul was advanced because he spent his childhood steeped in the Old Testament scriptures.

God can use our stories too; “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). By the grace of God, we can overcome. And when we do, our deliverance will result in God’s glory. I can think of no better motivation for overcoming than a desire to bring glory to God with our lives. We can grind our heels into all the pain and confusion of our pasts and declare: “Something good is going to come out of this!”

~ A.R. Cecil

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Come to the Table

23 Thursday Aug 2012

Posted by arcecil in childhood memories, expectations, family gatherings

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The table is set

All of our journeys begin in childhood and we often revisit that magical time as memories surface unsolicited. Childhood memories are pulled back into our consciousness by sights and sounds and smells. Autumn leaves crunching under our feet will forever be a stroll home from school. The smell of cedar or pine when entering a warm house from the cold outside may transport us back to a childhood Christmas. In a sudden downpour, we see a child dancing in the rain. We recognize this child, a phantom of our yesteryear. The smell of chlorine and sunscreen is a carefree summer’s day at the pool between third and fourth grade when we finally got up enough courage to go off the high dive. “Look at me-e-e-e,” our squeal told the world on the way down. Crickets chirping outside our bedroom window after nightfall was a childhood lullaby.

Our most endearing memories, however, can easily be the extended family gatherings that brought together the grandparents, aunts, uncles and, of course, the beloved cousins. “Absence does make the heart grow fonder,” as those uncontaminated relationships with the cousins epitomized all that could possibly be right with the world. The adults would be huddled around the kitchen table after the plates had been cleared away, drinking strong coffee and talking and laughing. The cousins would then steal away. No telling what adventure awaited us in the attic, or under Grandmother’s old bed. We children never got to hear a word the grown-ups said; that was adult talk, not meant for our ears. We didn’t care back then; playing was our passion. If we could go back, we would listen in on their conversation. Dad was there; Mom was there talking and interacting with their peers. If we could see them now through the eyes of the adults we have become, what would we see? What would we hear?

There is usually one member in every family of the attic dwellers who in his or her adulthood puts together a family tree. (My brother, the oldest sibling, was the one who put ours together.) But, the family tree is only a skeleton of our past. Those laughing and talking people around the kitchen table were the flesh and blood. However, would hearing their interpretations add that much meaning to our present and future? Would who they were be that significant in revealing the persons we have become? We may rightfully feel that their interaction with us has stamped us in some negative way, which has put us on a mission to find out who we really are.

“Who am I?” we may have pondered at an age when we wanted answers. The stacks of how-to books purchased by the need-to-know generations post-World War II, were read in hopes of finding the answers to why we think what we think and do what we do; but did they scratch the surface of our souls? Not mine. One day, I took the lot of them to Goodwill, but not without feeling a wee bit guilt for “unloading” them on some other unsuspecting fellow seekers of truth.

Time and so many dead-ends have taught me that there is ONLY ONE WAY we can arrive at the place of knowing the persons God intends us to be. “The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us” (1 Corinthians 2: 10b-12). We are believers and we have God’s spirit living in us! And now as his BELOVED CHILDREN, we can come to his table where we feast on life-changing knowledge.

~ A.R. Cecil

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